Happy BIRTHDAY!!!

YAY, I'd be 26.

I am soooo tired of being Human

I left my house during the day today, for the first time in a few weeks. I felt an air of superiority to everyone I met. I was contemptuous of them. Humanity is an ignorant, parasitic blight, and I was the only one that realized it was doing something about it. I think it was Lestat in The Body Thief who despaired about being Human.

Things I'll Miss

I remember reading that Benjamin Franklin would make a list of Pro's and Con's before making a decision. Well I've already made my decision, but I thought I'd reminisce on the things I'll miss. Comics, Lost, the Office, Heroes, Naruto, my dogs, traveling, photography, Final Fantasies, RPGs, NetHack, sunrises and sunsets, swimming, cliff diving, music, Zankou Chicken, yoga, reading, and most importantly — my friends.

I was Lied to

I grew up reading comics, sci-fi and fantasy, RPGs and video games. By my 16th birthday, when puberty had certainly come, I was expecting my mutation to manifest. The future held nothing as exciting as what I'd been led to believe we would have, should have. I felt/feel So… ripped off!!!

A Completely Irrational Sense of Loneliness

I am so alone, I have no friends, no one understands me, everyone hates me, even my dogs don't love me. Nothing could be further from the truth. I know, at a higher level, that I have great friends, loving family and loyal pets. Yet I am infused with a sense of solitude that is overpowering.

Oh man, I'm getting excited!

Must be a manic phase! I'm starting to get excited. All my plans are coming to fruition. The desire to speak to all your friends and even enemies rears its head. That old friend you have to say good bye to. That ex-gf you called a bitch and didn't mean to. Your Uncle you never hugged. The mailman you never thanked…

I remember…

When I was a kid, I would ball myself up in a blanket, and cry out to gods I didn't believe in to kill me. I would have settled for a meteor, lightning, SIDs, a random car accident… Anything. I didn't even know why, except that I hated everything.

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Once Upon a Time…

I was the one that stole Nick Corlett's Magic Cards. If he desires, give him my entire collection. It contains all the ones he had, and about 10,000 others.

When and Where

This Day, This time, in my room. I know my family is gonna' freak out over this. I try not to think about it because it is not a pleasant thought. So I thought about simply "disappearing." Sadly, in order to ensure my privacy and thus completion of this act, my room is the best place to do this.

The Last Word

It's really tempting to get the last word in with people, but I'm not going to do it, not intentionally. The point is I don't Care anymore. Getting the last word in would show just how much this banal, mediocre existence mattered, and that my death is for the wrong reasons.

Once Upon a Time…

I was the one that stole Bertrand's $40.

Previous Attempts. Obviously Failures

I think when I was 16 or 17, in a manic episode prior to a suicide attempt I shaved one eye brow off. I tried to explain it away to friends as a pre-halloween nonsense. I tried asphyxiating myself in the shower with plastic bags, to no avail.

Why before the Holidays? Why not after?

Well, I thought about doing this After the holidays, giving my family that one last season, etc. But then I thought about how much I Dread the holidays. Please realize that even getting out of Bed is hard. I have spent the past 2 weeks basically sitting in my room on this computer.

No Funerals are for the Living

I don't really care what anyone does at any funeral or whatever, so long as there is no religious nonsense of Any sort. By the time you're reading this, I will have the answer to "What happens after you die."

I'm going to India…. psych!

In order to have Some sense of good-bye with my friends, I told them I was going traveling again. But sadly, I didn't get the kind of farewell I wanted. I wish suicide was a socially acceptable alternative.

How? The decision making process

How does one kill oneself? What do I need to consider? First of all, this is NOT a cry for help. I want to die, so the 1st priority is making sure that, whatever method I choose, it is effective.

Why? Part 2 – Life, the Universe and People

Why did I choose to die? I already spoke of my mental illness. That is the most objective reason I can give. I'm an Atheist. I believe there is no afterlife and no God. I'm gonna' find out!

Evan's Memorial (posted by Shahin and Max)

We are close friends of Evan, and he recently gave us administrative permissions on this site. Unfortunately, this is real. We know that some people have been confused by the fact that entries to this blog are being posted by a time release… but this is not a hoax, and we all miss him.

I'm Really Sorry

Suicide is often referred to as Selfish. What a selfish act! It's just as selfish for you to demand I stay alive for you. So I'm not sorry for killing myself. I AM sorry for all the people I've hurt in my life though, for whatever reasons.

Why? Part 1 – Mental Disease

This is probably the question a lot of people will wonder, ask and make assumptions about. The primary reason is bi-polar disorder. As a psychology major, I recognize this problem in myself. My brain is on a roller coaster.

I am dead

Ok so, I'm not dead yet, not really. Obviously, I'm writing this post. But by the time You read this, I WILL be dead. I thought it would be interesting to post my suicide note out over the course of time.

Heroes and Time Travel

The show Heroes that has begun this season is quite good so far. One of the characters, Hiro, has the ability to bend space and time. He's my favorite character because he's well written, and because these are the powers I would choose, if I Could choose.

brain Eater

I feel like that picture makes you feel: dizzy and confused. I've recently installed Linux, Ubuntu edgy flavor. It's cool, it's fun, but it's totally different.

Firefox 2.0 is here today!

Firefox 2.0 is out today, YAY!!! Go to GetFirefox.com and download it… now, I'm serious, I'll wait… ok, now click on the links to download these package of addons that will make your browsing experience beautiful.

Yoga Anyone?

So recently I've had the time to do some photography. I really enjoy this style called HDR (High Dynamic Range). I've gone to two FlickrMeets and met a few other users. I've been doing Bikram Yoga pretty consistently for the past month.

My Three Churches

It might surprise Many of you that I am a member of Three Churches: The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Church of Bob and most recently, the Church of Google.

The Game

There's a Great book called "The Game" by Neil Strauss that I just finished reading. Ostensibly it's a book about a writer that gets involved in the world of pick up artists. Despite all appearances otherwise, the book is really about being happy with yourself.

Ah, to have your intelligence quantified…

I took the GRE today. I got a 690 on the Verbal (91st %ile) and a 750 on the quantitative (93rd %ile). I wanted to hit 700 and 700, so I fell short on my verbal section, but I did better on the quantitative.

they all Fall down

It's the first day of Autumn… I love Autumn… The colors of the trees, the crunch of the leaves as you walk, brisk zephyrs, clearer skies… I take the GRE in two days.

Read O Rama

I finished Wuthering Heights, score one more for the 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die. I've started Ovid's Metamorphoses, which is effectively an epic describing Greek mythology.

God Speaks Pig Latin

Last night I had the pleasure of seeing Curtains, which kicked ass. Prior to the show, my Grandmother gave me a book, "The Language of God" by Francis S. Collins.

Mmm… Scabs taste like Beef Jerky

This has been a strange week with good and bad parts. It started with a nice musical performance in Malibu with some of the continents best musicians. Then I went shopping and perfunctorily left my wallet and phone on a belt rack.

Steve Irwin Interview (croc hunter!)

THIS is an interview with Steve Irwin. Just thought I'd post it. His death was a really great tragedy and I shed tears when I heard about it.

Getting Kicked in the Head

This picture was taken shortly after getting kicked in the head. The point to this story is that even if you have a headache, knowing where that headache came from is important. It provides you with a means of fixing the headache, or even preventing it from recurring.

OMG, it's September… what am I going to do?

Well, it's officially September 2006; my Birth month. As I approach a quarter of a century, I start to wonder… What the Hell am I DOING? I am filled with feelings of fear, frustration and failure.

Biking and Photography work Well together

Biking and photography, my two most recent hobbies, have Great synthesis. I can do both together which makes them even more fun and powerful.

I've Become a Hermit

I've spent all day, every day for the past week in my room. I've become albino, hyper sensitive to light and nocturnal. In order to change this, I am going outside… NOW.

Monkey Surprise

HAHA!!! Monkey made it to Interestingness on Flickr. This is very exciting for me, as this is the first time it's happened as far as I know.

Nerd Porn

If you haven't had an orgasm today, watch THIS video. Hot Damn the future looks bright. I am in the middle of getting the Last of my pics up.

Life Plan

So these past few days have been filled with photo editing goodness. After that I will start studying for the GRE! I'm looking seriously at NUS, National University of Singapore.

Ski Masks

I've skied in my life. I've snowboarded. I have NEVER seen ANYONE wearing a ski mask. You know when you see someone wear a ski mask? When they're robbing you of your valuables.

Sigh of Relief

My jet lag is gone after a harrowing 48 hours of no sleep. My pictures are going up Rapidly; faster than I thought but the panoramas and HDRs are going to come later.

The Scorpion King is back in LA

Despite my attempts to get my ticket extended, I am back in LA. I'm dealing with unpacking, pictures and studying. I have the Beijing Set up, though they aren't tagged and named yet.

My 1st motorbike accident! :)

How's THAT for an update? Took a turn too fast and the road quality was poor (gravel, dirt, etc) so I couldn't get the traction I needed. My left arm is bloodied and my shirt got a hole in it.

I'm pulled in so many directions; Sometimes I think I will break

Shahin Might be leaving today. Things are ok I guess, but Shah's situation is… regrettable. I will go to the Black Eyed Peas concert in Bangkok tonight: AWESOME!

I changed my mind. If I get cancer, it's from Bangkok

Worst air quality Ever! Ok, so Shah and I are in Bkk, from Shanghai. Shah "lost" his wallet in Shanghai, so I've been trying to keep him alive, but basically he is going home early.

Note to Self: I Am Still Alive

If I ever get cancer, it's because of China. Everyone here smokes!!! Last night Shah and I went to a bar. It was loud, so we left, went to a smaller bar, where little kids knocked on the window, begging for money.

Bye Bye Beijing, Bye Bye Levin

So we saw pretty much all there is to see in Beijing. I have several hundred photos to show for it. Tomorrow we head to Shanghai for 10 days.

What a Not so Great First Day or: You Don't Drink Tea With Your Lap

So the 12 hour plane flight was ok. About 2 hours into the flight, I dropped a boiling hot cup of tea into my lap. We saw the Forbidden City, which goes on ForEver. We had a traditional tea ceremony and learned a very simple lesson: ask about prices BEFORE you do ANYthing.